these past couple weeks have been a never ending roller coaster especially with yet another cancer surgery coming up. you would think id be used to it, and know what to do by now..but thats just not the case. im a a wreck. during these times, i always imagined id have someone to turn to , someone that would love me, respect me, and be by my side through it all. i mean isnt that what a spouse and family are for? dont get me wrong now, my family- well the ones im close to who havent given up on me are by myside granted in a different state but they are there no matter what, and when they can be.
my whole life, ive dreamed of that perfect guy, and having children. and ive been blessed with 2 beautiful and amazing little girls and a guy i love-d and has been there most of the time. well up until 3 years ago we were inseperable ..until we were sat down in that small closterphobic like closet room where we were told i had cancer..i felt as though in that very moment i lost my best friend, my love, my life..its your worst nightmare come true. having a child,being diagnosed with cancer, and losing everything in a matter of minutes, weeks and months. as the testing began..i could feel my heart being ripped out from chest in slow and painful manner. not only was i diagnosed with cancer, my baby taken from me at 23 weeks pregnant on mothers day of 2009, but the person whom id been with for almost 3 years was being pulled away from me.i had myself and my little girl.
everyone says that when you have that one person you love and are with , that you also have their family..granted its true but at the same token when your world is crashing all around you, you dont feel that way especially when the one person you thought would stand by you through it wasnt..then you lose all strings attached as well. you begin to lose yourself in the breaking..not knowing where to turn, what to do, how to feel..just lost and alone. like everything youve ever dreamed of or thought you had was gone in an instant. but i couldnt show how i felt or talk to anyone. id have to pull together that happy face ive been putting on for my little girl becuase despite how torn and hurt i was she needs me...but what happens when you can no longer do that for your little girl..
ill tell you what happens.. you lose all faith, hope, trust in everything youve ever known and was told would be there. you can no longer believe in anyones word, cant look at things the same, the only thing i can look at the same is my girls and be so thankful for theyve been brought into my life. ive never been more blessed, or thankful for anything in my entire life than i have been for my little girls. they have saved my life more than anyone knows. anytime when i just wanted to give up and attempted to let go of the world, they keep me going.
but what happens when you begin to feel like your letting them down , with going through the cancer and leaving them alone..feeling as though you are neglecting them because your too busy worrying about getting this surgery and treatments done, when the focus should be them. but instead are so selfish because there are so many things you wanna do and see in life.. or because you recently find out that gut feeling youve been having in regards to someone you love and are close to isnt who they used to be anymore, that they are more interested in ones who arent fighting for there lives, are beautiful, and can make them happy, where as you dont anymore...
thats right..ive officially lost everything and everyone except for my girls , the very few friends i have, and the few family..i was betrayed by one friend from my moms group a few months back, and again by another and now him..again..
ive given everything my life, my soul to them...ive been fighting for my life to be here for my girls and those ive felt close to..and now i dont know what im fighting for anymore...other than my girls but ive let them down as well. i always swore to myself id keep my family together because thats something i never had growing up is my parents together..and that kills you as a child. so many thoughts of what ifs, the dreams, or what did i or didnt i do..and now im putting them through that soon...or i can just stay in this continue lying to myself and believe that one day again this could work, and i can make him happy, or that he wants me...but lets face it..who wants somone who they have to support, or is fighting everyday through the struggle, the constant never ending surgeries and the treatments..
yesterday i found out my world crashed around me and he yet knows. he believes that i dont know..and im playing stupid..why because it doesnt hurt as bad..because if i face it i wont go through with this surgery..i wont and i know i wont and i couldnt because id just wanna be with my girls and nothing more. which i wanna do right now..but 2 close friends said you cant give up, and you will win this for your girls...but what if you dont have the strenght or hope to carry on anymore..
through the years and recently, ive lost 2 kids...one was taken from me forcefully at 23 weeks becaue it was a life or death matter, and ive miscarried..havent i gone through enough...? why i ask myself this question..why..what am i doing wrong..what could i do to change his mind, and make him want me again..maybe things would be easier if i just wasnt apart of the picture anymore..but then i look at my girls and i just fall apart, just for a second..and have to pull it together for them because i dont want them to see me this way..they shouldnt have to..theyve been through enough with me not being there because of this cancer...
when will enough be enough, and when will enough be good enough...
