these past couple weeks have been a never ending roller coaster especially with yet another cancer surgery coming up. you would think id be used to it, and know what to do by now..but thats just not the case. im a a wreck. during these times, i always imagined id have someone to turn to , someone that would love me, respect me, and be by my side through it all. i mean isnt that what a spouse and family are for? dont get me wrong now, my family- well the ones im close to who havent given up on me are by myside granted in a different state but they are there no matter what, and when they can be.
my whole life, ive dreamed of that perfect guy, and having children. and ive been blessed with 2 beautiful and amazing little girls and a guy i love-d and has been there most of the time. well up until 3 years ago we were inseperable ..until we were sat down in that small closterphobic like closet room where we were told i had cancer..i felt as though in that very moment i lost my best friend, my love, my life..its your worst nightmare come true. having a child,being diagnosed with cancer, and losing everything in a matter of minutes, weeks and months. as the testing began..i could feel my heart being ripped out from chest in slow and painful manner. not only was i diagnosed with cancer, my baby taken from me at 23 weeks pregnant on mothers day of 2009, but the person whom id been with for almost 3 years was being pulled away from me.i had myself and my little girl.
everyone says that when you have that one person you love and are with , that you also have their family..granted its true but at the same token when your world is crashing all around you, you dont feel that way especially when the one person you thought would stand by you through it wasnt..then you lose all strings attached as well. you begin to lose yourself in the breaking..not knowing where to turn, what to do, how to feel..just lost and alone. like everything youve ever dreamed of or thought you had was gone in an instant. but i couldnt show how i felt or talk to anyone. id have to pull together that happy face ive been putting on for my little girl becuase despite how torn and hurt i was she needs me...but what happens when you can no longer do that for your little girl..
ill tell you what happens.. you lose all faith, hope, trust in everything youve ever known and was told would be there. you can no longer believe in anyones word, cant look at things the same, the only thing i can look at the same is my girls and be so thankful for theyve been brought into my life. ive never been more blessed, or thankful for anything in my entire life than i have been for my little girls. they have saved my life more than anyone knows. anytime when i just wanted to give up and attempted to let go of the world, they keep me going.
but what happens when you begin to feel like your letting them down , with going through the cancer and leaving them alone..feeling as though you are neglecting them because your too busy worrying about getting this surgery and treatments done, when the focus should be them. but instead are so selfish because there are so many things you wanna do and see in life.. or because you recently find out that gut feeling youve been having in regards to someone you love and are close to isnt who they used to be anymore, that they are more interested in ones who arent fighting for there lives, are beautiful, and can make them happy, where as you dont anymore...
thats right..ive officially lost everything and everyone except for my girls , the very few friends i have, and the few family..i was betrayed by one friend from my moms group a few months back, and again by another and now him..again..
ive given everything my life, my soul to them...ive been fighting for my life to be here for my girls and those ive felt close to..and now i dont know what im fighting for anymore...other than my girls but ive let them down as well. i always swore to myself id keep my family together because thats something i never had growing up is my parents together..and that kills you as a child. so many thoughts of what ifs, the dreams, or what did i or didnt i do..and now im putting them through that soon...or i can just stay in this continue lying to myself and believe that one day again this could work, and i can make him happy, or that he wants me...but lets face it..who wants somone who they have to support, or is fighting everyday through the struggle, the constant never ending surgeries and the treatments..
yesterday i found out my world crashed around me and he yet knows. he believes that i dont know..and im playing stupid..why because it doesnt hurt as bad..because if i face it i wont go through with this surgery..i wont and i know i wont and i couldnt because id just wanna be with my girls and nothing more. which i wanna do right now..but 2 close friends said you cant give up, and you will win this for your girls...but what if you dont have the strenght or hope to carry on anymore..
through the years and recently, ive lost 2 kids...one was taken from me forcefully at 23 weeks becaue it was a life or death matter, and ive miscarried..havent i gone through enough...? why i ask myself this question..why..what am i doing wrong..what could i do to change his mind, and make him want me again..maybe things would be easier if i just wasnt apart of the picture anymore..but then i look at my girls and i just fall apart, just for a second..and have to pull it together for them because i dont want them to see me this way..they shouldnt have to..theyve been through enough with me not being there because of this cancer...
when will enough be enough, and when will enough be good enough...
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Saturday, October 22, 2011
bring love back
It is a tragedy the Internet can be my only strike out against the world right now. That alone is frustrating. But I’ve had enough. I sit and I tremble in fury and sadness as I type, so you can only imagine that is hindering my progress.
I try to select my words tediously as to not offend. As to not lose one of the only few friends I actually care about. But by God, if I am the only one left with the strength to do it I must say something, even something so minor as to be ignored on the internet.
It is amazing the things girls put up with. I heard a quote once that explained that love does nothing for a women but increase her capacity to hurt. I’ve seen it in action more than once. And its a sick, sad truth. Why do we let ourselves be trampled, put down, taken advantage of? Why do we live with cheaters and liars we cannot trust and yet bear our soul to them when they wave their hand…only to be mocked? Because of love? When did love become such a tremulous, hurting thing?
Do you remember Disney, when love was magical? Romantic comedies you daydream about and with that one day you would get your chance to live one out? Lately that has all taken a back seat to sex (no pun intended) which has no emotion. At the very least, feels good. And not even for us. So why abuse a woman when you could just go to the corner and pay? Because it’s cheaper?
I miss the days of daydream-y love.
And now we’re trapped. Trapped in our relationships when, for some reason, men always have the option to leave whenever they please. What is it that gives us a connection? Women fear rejection. We all do. Even me, who claims to shrug it off. Its a fear. So why provoke it? Why MAKE IT HAPPEN when we have the strength to suffer through it for the few, partly sunny days of our relationships? Why can we not use that strength to free ourselves, to find someone that cares for us emotionally? We are so strong and yet…so weak. A walking contradiction.
And the worst part…the world only sees sunny days. Only sees us for the mask. Only a rare few can see beyond into our quivering lips and empty eyes to the soul that aches. Aches for love as any real person would do. Made to feel so wrong about our wants, we say nothing even when they ask.
My dear, dear friends I’m calling out to you now. I have seen SO MUCH PAIN in this life. So much pain in so many girls too afraid to be themselves in fear of rejection. I did not learn to be myself until I underwent trauma. I don’t want it that way for the rest of the world. Be yourself. Love yourself. Because the one who really loves you, will love you FOR YOU. All you are, and all you are not. You don’t have faults, you have quirks. You ARE PERFECT. And you will feel it in your heart, and you will want to fly…not sink, as you make yourself believe it…
There ARE GOOD MEN. I’m not throwing men under the bus. I’m showing all of you…if you see it. If you see a man that does wrong to his girl or vice versa, SPEAK OUT. Speak out for women too afraid to voice themselves. Fight this mental warfare. Fight it and never become one of it’s minions.
We all know what real love is and we think we have it until we really do. Then you will know that you don’t ever have to “make it work.” Even though things get hard, you will take time for each other, you will breathe in the passion as needed, and there is such thing as an intimate connection. The one who loves you will never make you cry. They will pick you up, dust you off, and wipe your tears. They will re-assure you in yourself.
a promise to my child/ children..
To share with you love is a forever promise A promise from my heart to your heart I will be your earthly guide with Heavenly direction I will guide you with prayer and a gentle hand I will care for you when you are sick I will help you learn when you do not understand I will love you unconditionally I will hold you when you cry I will feed you should you feel hunger I will calm you when you feel fear My promise my child................ is to give that which I did not receive and that of which I did I am learning as you learn So I ask for unconditional love in return Hold my hand when you need help to stand Use my arms if you should ever fall May my love give you strength when you need to be strong And may my guidance teach you right from wrong Spread your wings in freedom when it's time for you to grow And with this promise you will leave and remember as you go That my promise my child gives you wings yet keeps a foundation for you to return to Should you ever need to come home My Promise My child Will never leave you feeling alone I'll always be here for you.
there comes a time
There comes a time in life when you let go of all the petty drama and bullshit and move on with your life. Whether it be the drugs you find yourself hooked on, the number of women / men in your life, or abandoning your children because you've found something better than them. In my opinion there is nothing greater than the gift of your children. They were sent to this earth to be there not only for us, but to complete their journey. Whether it be a dream they are after, or whether or not it be to better someone else but maybe rescue someone. Children are not only the key to our lives, but the heart of our being. They teach and show us things that we never imagined could be let alone happen, and show us a side to ourselves we may have never known existed. Ive found not only do we take life for granted, but the memories and those around us as well. I mean think about it, how many times have we treated those poorly around us and ignored them when they needed help in return after helping us. Or maybe the memories we have had with others, acting as though things may never go wrong. However, when you least expect it they always tend to go that way that we had least expected...then what ? We have the feeling of regret, the wishing we could either go back in time and do things differently or take them back all together. But then reality hits from the unexpected moment, whether it be from losing someone, everything, or being diagnosed with a life threatening illness..the guilt the emotions, they never seem to leave. So instead we either learn from those mistakes or not learn at all and never let it phase us and the cycle keeps replaying itself. Maybe in the other hand we may take that first unexpected moment and learn from it not only better ourselves, but make a difference upon another life whether it be telling our story or giving a hand to help them realize..so call it a tidbit of life..the life that saves ourselves and shows us what really matters. Because if not then what do we have to live for, let alone hold onto. People say that life ..just happens and that things happen for a reason, but do they really and how can we be so sure ? Only we have control of our lives and what goes on. So therefore we as adults,children, what have you must own up to our responsibilities. I've seen those whom have worked so hard for what they have and whom they've become, thAt not only are cherishing the moments in life but protect those thAt they care about around them. And yet they somehow always end up losing everything thAt they have worked for regardless how they have been as a person, and no matter how hard they try they don't ever seem to catch a break. Not only from losing the things they worked for , having their plans and dreams crushed, but to having even e littlest memories that mean the most taken from them such as pictures, childrens toys etc. It's so sad to me that no matter what they do or how hard that they try nothing works or helps them, and that it comes to the point that they come to taking things from Innocent children. How can you live with that let Alone do that to an innocent child/ children whom not only look up to you bur follow in your footsteps. Is this what's the worlds come to accusing and taking things or hurting innocent people all because it makes you feel better as a person ? Because to me its lower Than life and its not something I want to let alone be associated with but say I'm proud to be an American. Because why be proud when innocent people are being killed, raped, taken advantage of regardless of any situation..who could honestly be proud..with the wars innocent killings of children in overseas because they were put in situations because of cowards..it's sickening to me, and I don't want to be apart of that, would you ? I don't know to me its a shame what the human race has come to no matter what your race,color, or religion we are all guilty of something..and I can honestly say that I am afraid for my children to grow up in this world let alone what things will be like for her when she is older...how do you feel about your children, or grandchildren growing up in a world with so much hate or violence etc..?
Friday, October 21, 2011
r.i.p sweet little delaney...prayers
she recently had her third birthday and not even a week later, had to pick out her own casket and grave site...something no child should have to deal with. I dont know how this family is coping, I know it would be extremely hard. Im asking to start a huge prayer chain and to spread the word in hopes a miracle happens for little delaney so she can live out her life.
*****delaney rececntly lost her life to the battle of cancer, i alone cant imagine my child having to go through this let alone having to deal with the loss of either of my girls. please show this family some support, prayers, strength for they need it more than ever.
Please feel free to leave your encouragements and prayers on this page. I will keep the page updated daily as new news comes to me. Just a reminder - PLEASE NO NEGATIVE POSTS about anyone's share. Such posts will be removed. ALSO - please remember this is a page for updates and comments referring to Delaney Wadsworth and any other stories/posts to lift up this family...
delaneys support site as well is - http://hstrial-prayersfordel.intuitwebsites.com/
delaneys facebook support and update page- http://www.facebook.com/pages/Prayers-for-Delaney/135998836419708
The Lord gives His people strength. The Lord blesses them with peace. --- Pslam 29:11 Paypal address btomayer1@yahoo.com
***Mailing address!**** Delaney Wadsworth 11522 WCR 76 Windsor Co 80550
She loves photos - so slip one into the mail for her to see your support!!
thoughts pouring...
As I sit here staring at the computer screen, there are so many thoughts and worries that come upon me. The kind of thoughts and worries that scare me..the what ifs..whats after this life...the world my daughter will grow up in, and as well for my future child. If there is really love out there..the kind that is in fairy tales. But the most heartbreaking for me is the fact there is a little girl the same age just a year and a few months older than my daughter...that is fighting for her life.It tears me to pieces to think that this could happen to my children..that I could lose my daughter. Its a parents worst nightmare coming true that their child is suffering and is given only a small amount of time left on this world and you have to spend it in a hospital. that your daughter has to be on high meds for her to be happy and function.
I just dont understand why these things are handed to not only us as adults, but children at their young ages. Its something I dont believe anyone let alone children should have to deal with and fight against just to stay alive. You know ive heard the phrase over and over again, that god wont give us anything that we cant handle..but how can that be true? Parents in this world are losing their children, loved ones are losing those whom are fighting for our country and others are facing mulitple issues cancer, losing their homes etc...and the circle never ends. How can we as humans possibly deal with all of that? I believe personally that we are dealt with more than we can handle..and at times we lose it, we pull away just wanting to escape from it.Where as at other times, we put on that fake smile and face act like we are ok , when really its killing us inside.
Im beginning to realize more and more that this is the world , and these are the things I dont want my children to have to deal with, let alone anyone. For not only are there the problems I mentioned above, but then comes the violence, and all the other bad things that have happened not only in america but in other countries as well. Its sickening just to think that this may never end, and it could actually get worse as time goes on..then what happens... There comes a point in life where we arent able to protect the ones that we love from harm etc, and thats the worst feeling in the world.something ive felt way to often. The feeling of hopelessness, feeling alone and hurt because we couldnt do anything to help- whether it be a family member, friend or just to help make a change in general.
I want to make a change in this world, a change for the better..to help not only me, my family, friends..but others out there whom feel the same way, or to those whom are suffering. The major change..i want to help is with childhood cancer. Its something that is close to my heart not only because Im recently in remission with my cancer, but because no child should have to deal with that at any age. To read that little delaney has picked out her grave site, and her casket..hit hard. I mean how wouldnt that touch anyones heart, her story or any other childs story? If you are lost about what Im talking about go to facebook.com and search prayers for delaney...though shes recently passed away...rip sweet angel
well im going to get going..for i keep breaking down just thinking about all this..maybe its the hormones with my body going back to normal since the pregnancy...but its also how i feel. How do you feel about these things? What hits hard for you when it comes to issues?
I just dont understand why these things are handed to not only us as adults, but children at their young ages. Its something I dont believe anyone let alone children should have to deal with and fight against just to stay alive. You know ive heard the phrase over and over again, that god wont give us anything that we cant handle..but how can that be true? Parents in this world are losing their children, loved ones are losing those whom are fighting for our country and others are facing mulitple issues cancer, losing their homes etc...and the circle never ends. How can we as humans possibly deal with all of that? I believe personally that we are dealt with more than we can handle..and at times we lose it, we pull away just wanting to escape from it.Where as at other times, we put on that fake smile and face act like we are ok , when really its killing us inside.
Im beginning to realize more and more that this is the world , and these are the things I dont want my children to have to deal with, let alone anyone. For not only are there the problems I mentioned above, but then comes the violence, and all the other bad things that have happened not only in america but in other countries as well. Its sickening just to think that this may never end, and it could actually get worse as time goes on..then what happens... There comes a point in life where we arent able to protect the ones that we love from harm etc, and thats the worst feeling in the world.something ive felt way to often. The feeling of hopelessness, feeling alone and hurt because we couldnt do anything to help- whether it be a family member, friend or just to help make a change in general.
I want to make a change in this world, a change for the better..to help not only me, my family, friends..but others out there whom feel the same way, or to those whom are suffering. The major change..i want to help is with childhood cancer. Its something that is close to my heart not only because Im recently in remission with my cancer, but because no child should have to deal with that at any age. To read that little delaney has picked out her grave site, and her casket..hit hard. I mean how wouldnt that touch anyones heart, her story or any other childs story? If you are lost about what Im talking about go to facebook.com and search prayers for delaney...though shes recently passed away...rip sweet angel
well im going to get going..for i keep breaking down just thinking about all this..maybe its the hormones with my body going back to normal since the pregnancy...but its also how i feel. How do you feel about these things? What hits hard for you when it comes to issues?
Thursday, October 20, 2011
strength, love and courage
I ran across a quote the other day that really spoke to me. Here it is:
“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.”
I found the quote while searching for something appropriate to put in a scrapbook I’m making to symbolize what im going through, and to keep my mind more focused off the cancer. I wanted to find something to put into a book of pictures of my daughters to give us a little strength while we are headed into a pretty big fight to get well. And I thought it was perfect for that use, but also pretty appropriate for all parents facing the day to day challenges that come with raising children and fighting health battles.
I find strength in the love I know my kids have for me. And I think they find strength in my love for them. And my love for my kids gives me the courage to keep fighting for what is right for them. It gives me courage to face all the fears I have for them. Who among us hasn’t been scared to death to send a child out driving a car alone for the first time? And who hasn’t felt the fear that our kid won’t make the team? Which of us hasn’t needed courage when our child was sick? But our love gives us the courage to keep moving. It gives us courage to let go a little. I have to find courage to go on no matter what because my love for my girls won’t let me throw my hands up and quit.
I hope that while I am gathering courage from the love I feel for my girls they are feeling the strength that comes from having me there in the background, loving them deeply no matter what. I hope they feel stronger because they know they have a soft place to land because they are loved.
I get excited when I run across a quote that expresses my feelings so much better than I can. I think I’ll keep this one in my list of favorites to live by
“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.”
I found the quote while searching for something appropriate to put in a scrapbook I’m making to symbolize what im going through, and to keep my mind more focused off the cancer. I wanted to find something to put into a book of pictures of my daughters to give us a little strength while we are headed into a pretty big fight to get well. And I thought it was perfect for that use, but also pretty appropriate for all parents facing the day to day challenges that come with raising children and fighting health battles.
I find strength in the love I know my kids have for me. And I think they find strength in my love for them. And my love for my kids gives me the courage to keep fighting for what is right for them. It gives me courage to face all the fears I have for them. Who among us hasn’t been scared to death to send a child out driving a car alone for the first time? And who hasn’t felt the fear that our kid won’t make the team? Which of us hasn’t needed courage when our child was sick? But our love gives us the courage to keep moving. It gives us courage to let go a little. I have to find courage to go on no matter what because my love for my girls won’t let me throw my hands up and quit.
I hope that while I am gathering courage from the love I feel for my girls they are feeling the strength that comes from having me there in the background, loving them deeply no matter what. I hope they feel stronger because they know they have a soft place to land because they are loved.
I get excited when I run across a quote that expresses my feelings so much better than I can. I think I’ll keep this one in my list of favorites to live by
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